Jess Meets the Not-North-Face Guy

Seriously. It’s almost exactly like Abbott and Costello Meet the Monsters. 

Only not like that at all. 

Mental note to self Jess: men you see in your waiting room do not react the same as the women when you pass by and stop to compliment how awesome their coat is.  I just walked by a customer on what felt like my 20th trip to pee and stopped because he had this awesome North Face-y looking coat in a really nice olive drab color like it just came off of one of those dudes on M.A.S.H., only way more fashionable. In a matter of seconds I imagined how awesome the coat would look on Ash and so I asked him where he got it. I should mention that I totally caught him off guard; his face was in his phone and I sort of surprised him with my completely unsolicited excitement.  Poor guy. Anyway he answered that it was a gift in a sort of quiet, “get away from me you crazy hag” sort of way but I could tell he was trying to be nice about it.  Man… if he woulda been a she, that would have been a totally different conversation. 

Anyway, my point in telling this is to prove to y’all that yes, I can make a complete ass of myself at work and after only having been left alone for a few seconds.  I’m pretty sure they might have to hire someone just to follow me around saying “focus!” whenever I get side tracked by a fancy schmancy M.A.S.H. Coat or a cute pup or even just some random woman whose highlights were so poorly done that i can tell where all the foils were.  Seriously. It’s all I can do not to give those poor ladies Samantha’s business card and saying “When the time comes, call this number.”  It would be like one of those unwed mothers groups in the sixties. You know, where you say it all quiet so as not to draw attention to the unfortunate girl’s situation, and then pretty soon your whole goddam waiting room is pointing and whispering and taking random lowres pics with their phones while pretending to hold the camera screen in front of their face for a whole different reason other than to post pics of bad hair on their Instagram pages. I mean, I would never do that, obviously; because I am a fucking classy broad.  (By that I mean I mostly stick to the pointing and whispering. And sometimes whilst standing too close to my victim and not whispering quite as low as I thought I was and then Bear walks away mid-sentence and pretends he’s not with me.)  That’s legit y’all. 

Ok Well that’s all. I guess even the greatest of bloggers has to have some posts that are of absolutely zero importance, right?  Right. 

Ps. Text me if you want to see the bad hair pics. 

PPs. I’m kidding. What kind of asshole do you think I am?

Ppps. On the other hand, you know what they say: if you can’t find something nice to say, come sit by me. 


2 thoughts on “Jess Meets the Not-North-Face Guy

    1. I am so glad! Mostly that’s what I started blogging for: to make people laugh. Sometimes my dark passenger just takes right over and goes out depressing people. In the famous words of The Bloggess Jenny Lawson: Depression Lies. It lies dammit!


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