Like not with a weegie board or anything. (Also I do not like the spelling of ouiga because it is stupid and looks like gibberish. So I have changed it. You’re welcome.). What I mean is, is it coincidence that I’ve had this many health problems in the same year, or did I bring down some kind of heavy voodoo on myself by publicizing what a Mess I am? Cause I swear (she said, looking up at the gods with her best smile on) I wasn’t bragging or anything. Like I wasn’t wanting someone up on Mount Olympus to go, “you think you’re a mess now, do you? Well how do you like this… BAM!” Followed by anxiety, stomach flu, anxiety, hurty teeth, anxiety, and now (drumroll please) gallstones. Sexy, I know. Try and keep it in your pants everyone and don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
Spent last night in the emergency room waiting to find out just what kind of invisible giant had its stupid, big, hairy and prolly smelly arms wrapped around my upper abdomen and was squeezing like he was in a contest. I assume it was a boy giant. The girl giants totally get my plight and therefore only hurt men. It might even be how they flirt. I won’t lie though, morphine is awesome. It’s like getting an elephant dart to your whole body.
I leave you with two things this evening: Number one is this: today I went to see my gp about the anxiety problem so we talked about the gallbladder problem. He said gallstones have a magic formula consisting of the three F’s… Female, Forty, and Fluffy. It immediately made me feel soft and squishy like that huge unicorn on Despicable Me.
Number two is my silver lining… at least I get to cross something else off the old bucket list. I always wondered what it would be like to meet my insurance deductible.
Ps. About my number two: that is a complete lie. Who the hell wonders about that? It’s those of you out there with those kinds of goals that the gods oughta be pissed at, not fluffy old me. What’re your names? Ima rat you out. Nothing personal. I believe they call it self preservation.
Pps. Real silver lining: I’m probably ready for the zombie apocalypse with all my self preserving. Also if they get me they won’t have much to eat. I’m losing organs right and left.