Do you ever look at a person in disbelief that he or she could actually be responsible for another human life? Well, friends and neighbors, today that person was me, and – I’m not gonna lie- not for the first time. Seriously, it’s amazing I’ve never burned anything down. (Although there was this one time I was boiling water to make soup and my saucepan melted and caught fire right before my eyes. I don’t even understand how that happened; I can only assume I was set up by someone who was envious of my culinary prowess.)
Anyway, the day began ok. Got up, got ready for work, choosing a more casual outfit than normal. I wore leggings, a black tank top and put a mint cardi on over the top. For those of you asking me to stay on target, I swear this has meaning.
For the closing of month end accounting gibberish, I always sit with my boss and conscience, Abe, and we plow through our month end crap and start preparing for the next month end. Sort of like Christmas elves, like the day after Christmas they’re going “only 364 more days until Christmas and so much to do!” It’s sort of like that for us.
Anyway, I’m sitting in Abe’s office, which is, most of the time, an impossible place to get anything accomplished. The guy is forever stalked by dealership paparazzi. I tell him that’s what he gets for being the smartest guy in the building. So we’re going over all our reports, and he answers his phone. While he talks to whoever called him, I start to notice how freaking delicious it smells in his office. I’m looking for a chocolate Scentsy to be melting merrily away, just begging me to eat it and then laughing at me as I remember that it’s not actually chocolate. I have the same problem with a face mask that I use sometimes. They should really make that “Not for consumption” warning a bit bigger. Anyway, no Scentsy.
We move along, get interrupted a few more times, during which I sniff deeply and am reminded of this amazing chocolate soufflé body butter that my friend Evelyn and I used to get at Bath and Body Works. Sadly they don’t make it anymore, but I did buy one on Amazon for about $80 a couple of years ago. Looking back I realize that wasn’t one of my wiser purchases.
I seem to have wandered off topic slightly. Although not really, we are still talking about chocolatey goodness after all, so stop your silent judgery.
Someone came into the office and started talking to Abe so I took the opportunity to go pee. This is where I will mention that Abe’s office is hotter than the ninth ring of hell; when I got into the bathroom i decided to take my cardi off for a few minutes because it’s always cold in the Ladies. My did that cool air feel good!
I peed. I grabbed my cardi off the door hook, went to the sink to wash my hands, when, I saw a giant glob of chocolate just above my left lady lump. I mean, there is NO way that no one saw this. And what’s infinitely worse is I have no idea how long it was there. I began to wonder when the last time I’d talked to a customer was. I washed it off and left the bathroom, laughing like a complete lunatic, and I’ll tell you what, people really stare with unconscious deliberation when you are walking alone and laughing like George Freaking Carlin is walking next to you.
I was still cracking up when I walked back into Abe’s office to tell him and tom. He just put his head in his hands and- I like to think- wondered how the hell I ever manage to accomplish the things that I accomplish there. (I don’t mean to brag or anything but I’m pretty badass at my job. We’ve all gotta be good at something, right?)
After we finished I went back to my own office, sat down to work, and then noticed that I still had chocolate on the tank top I was wearing:
I realize that looks a little like baby poo, but I swear it’s all Snickers bar, baby. Plus I’m a little afraid of babies, so I never hold them. Dogs and pups ok. Babies are too easy to break. Anyway, that’s my story folks. It’s a bit superficial and unimportant, but it does give you a small glimpse into that puzzling world of Jess’s Mess.
Ps. I should point out that “Freaking” is not actually George Carlin’s middle name. His full name, for those trivia buffs out there is George Denis Patrick Carlin. I hope this comes up at your family Christmas party this year, and that you win the whole game for your team because of it.
pps. If you do win with the Carlin trivia, I want a shout out. It’s only fair.