I’m beginning to know how Buffalo Bill’s victims must have felt

Day 8 of stomach flu 2016. At least that’s what my doctor calls it. I’m starting to think that my body has been invaded, like in Alien, and at some point that bitch of a queen is going to come bursting through my chest. 

In the meantime, I’ve never been so hungry.  The only thing my body will tolerate is chicken broth and crackers; which I’m sure any flu victim can get by on for the 24-48 hours that most flus (or all flus that aren’t alien-host related) last.   I feel emaciated as well as useless and dramatic and all “pity me”, and I can’t get through so much as a half day at work. I went in today for a whopping three hours, during which time I did absolutely no good for my department and then came home and slept like I haven’t since I was living in a womb. 

Pretty sure my skin could be used as clothes by now. Seriously. I’m at the bottom of the well in a creepy bastard’s basement. I even have a poodle and he is totally Precious. Although BB will probably want someone else’s scalp and hair. Like J-Lo. That woman has some gorgeous hair. Unless, of course, she’s wearing someone else’s scalp too. 

I won’t complain that my clothes are fitting looser because let’s face it, that’s awesome. However, enough is enough.  Her majesty the queen needs to either burst through my chest and kill me, or go away forever… Except first she needs to get her ass in the kitchen and make me something to eat. “No more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food!”*

*Ps. If you’ve never seen 16 Candles, Silence of the Lambs, or anything from the Alien Legacy, I am sorry for your loss and you probably have no idea what you just read. 

*pps. You should totally see all of them. I love “when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy.”

*ppps. See what I did there? That one was from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. You should see that too. And anything else in the Kevin Smith library. 

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